what day is it and did you see me today?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
