see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
