I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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