I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
