So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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