somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
