its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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