Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
