I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
