so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
