I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
