I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
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Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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