we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
