I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
