I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
