Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
