HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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