I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
