Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
