Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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