I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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