is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
