Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
