I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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