in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
