I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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