i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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