just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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