I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
