Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Quick, to the slutcave!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
