hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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