I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The best revenge is premature balding
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
