oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
