What did we do last night that was yellow?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
