True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
