Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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