my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
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Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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