I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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