the new term for farting is butt boxing.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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