I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven