Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
