My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
