you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
