Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
