i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
