On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
