She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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