The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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