Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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