we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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