i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
barbara walters just said penis...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
