so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
