We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
