I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
