Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
