my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
