So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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